Here it is...diagnosis day. My first journal entry...

Today is Sunday, April 17, 2011.  We have been at Primary Children’s Hospital with Jacob now for 9 days.  Last Friday, the 8^th of April, I brought him here to ask for them to run some tests on him.  Jacob had been feeling sick for a little while and had some strange symptoms for some time.  The night before, I stayed up late at night thinking of him and considering all the things that he had been feeling.  I made a list of all the symptoms that I had been noticing and when I looked at that list as a whole, all together, I knew that the only way I would get answers would be to go to the best place I could and demand that they run some tests on him.  Primary children’s emergency room admitted him and did all the tests and more than I thought I would need to ask for.  He was very anemic and we were told that he would need a blood transfusion so they brought us upstairs to the “Immune-compromised” section of the hospital where they told us we would be staying until he finished his treatment and the rest of his tests were back.  As I walked onto the floor, I looked around, taking it all in, realizing that there were some very sick children in this department.  There was an inspirational plaque next to the shelf with the movies that talked about cancer.  When I saw that sign, I closed my eyes for a moment and thought to myself, I couldn’t handle it if that were what he had.  He only needs some blood and we’ll find out what is wrong and fix it.  We will only be here for a little while. How do those parents of children with cancer ever cope with such a thing? I was soon to find out and learn all too well how they cope. After we had settled into our room that evening, the Doctor came in to talk with us.  It seemed to take hours for him to explain what was happening with Jacob.  He had the answer, he knew what this was, he had to tell us and he stayed with us watching us react, waiting for our response and explaining, talking, saying the word just enough times for us to absorb all that was being said. “Leukemia”, “cancer in the blood”, “the cancer is everywhere that he has blood”... “chemotherapy”.   It was too much for me to absorb all at once and I felt myself blocking out the information, shutting down. I closed my eyes and my body just shook as I tried to be strong for him.  I didn’t want Jacob to be scared, but he could tell, he knew that this was bad.  It was the worst news we could have received.  We knew it and we didn’t know how to react to this kind of news. I couldn’t speak. I had so many questions, but I didn’t dare to ask them. If I opened my mouth, I knew I would only scream. In my mind I begged, “Heavenly Father, you promised! I know what you said, I have counted on the promise! You wouldn’t give me more than I can bear!  I told Him, I can’t do this Lord.  Why do you think I can do this?” and he said to me, “because I know that you can”.  I didn’t want that. I didn’t want to hear that.  I didn’t want to be strong.  I wanted to be weak and protected, in my safe little world, with my healthy little children and just continue to thank Him each day for our blessings. Then I thought of Jacob, my boy, my son, my precious little boy, my strong, capable, fighting son.  He is the toughest kid that I know on the whole planet.  He’s the toughest kid we know.  He is strong and he is a fighter.  Lately, I’ve been so frustrated because of his feisty little “have to be the best” “always have to win” attitude! Now, I realized, I understood why he is the boy that he is and I was never more grateful for anything in my life but to know that my son is a fighter.  He will not quit. He never quits working toward something he wants. He never loses. He is a natural winner and he loves life.  This is what I clung to… I know my boy and he will not lose.