explanations...

I finally took a moment to read over my last post.  I was feeling bad for writing so angry and scaring everyone.  After I wrote it, I had several people calling me crying and friends who posted on facebook or sent me messages of sympathy.  Were my words that upsetting? I really didn’t mean to scare everyone. So, I read over the whole thing thinking I must have said something that made everyone think he was dying or needed a lung transplant.  I thought I should apologize. …  But, after reading through it all I have to say, that’s just what I felt at the time.  I was scared. I was angry. I was worried and I was bitter the day I wrote that post.  This whole thing is so stinkin’ hard.

Instead of saying sorry for worrying everyone, I will say thank you.  Thank you because instead of just worrying and crying over this whole thing, you prayed.  I know that you did…because I felt it.  I know that you not only prayed for Jacob, but you prayed for me.  Some of you wrote me a note or left a comment to say that you were praying and some of you called to tell me you were thinking of us and praying for us.  But hundreds more were also praying…and never told me so.  I just know.

The optimism I feel cannot be explained. I can barely find the words to express what I feel right now because the emotions are so mixed. I’m still scared, angry, bitter, and it’s mixed with content, peaceful, …I don’t know, tired maybe?  Yes, definitely tired…always tired.  I just know it will all be okay.  The very next day after we received the news about Jacob’s lung damage, I remember wondering why I wasn’t freaking out about it anymore.  Somehow, I felt peace and I was functioning again.  There’s only one explanation for me and that is through the power of your prayers and the love of my savior who once again strengthened me.  “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”  …these words are true.

In addition to the answered prayers on my own behalf, I know that part of the peace I am feeling now is due to the miracle that is happening in Jacob.  I really don’t understand what Pulmonary Fibrosis is or how it is affecting him.  (I’m tempted to google it some more and understand it more deeply, but I don’t dare go there again)  Instead, I’ve decided to go back to how I have managed to cope with all of this and that is to put it in God’s hands and take one step at a time.  The google search could tell me all kinds of things about this stuff, but it can’t tell me the most important thing of all and the only thing I really want to know.  That is how Jacob is going to do with it.  Google can’t tell me how Jacob’s lungs are going to respond to the steroids, nor can it tell me how he will do with this over the years as his body grows and his lungs continue to grow.  Nobody can tell me that because nobody knows, except the Lord.  What He is telling me is to trust Him and that Jacob will be okay.

One thing I do need to mention is that whatever has been done to Jacob’s lungs is done and it’s not going to get any worse.  It’s not like he’s doing anything or being in an environment that is going to cause him further damage or progressively worsen this condition.  We know that the chemo caused it and the first treatment regardless of what the cause is would be to stop whatever is causing it.  Well, we did that on August 24 when he got the last dose of chemo, Almost 2 months ago now. 

Already, we have seen great improvement.  Today at around 4:00, he took off his oxygen and stayed above 90 without any help at all!  He stayed off of it until about 7:30 when he started falling asleep.  As he drifted to sleep and his breathing slowed, he dropped a little bit so we put him back on the oxygen. He is sleeping right now and has just .5 liters of oxygen going.  This is the best it has been in over 3 weeks!  Perhaps the steroids are working? Perhaps the exercises are working? Perhaps the prayers are working.  I’d say it’s a combination of all of the above working together.  Anyway, it sure makes me feel good.

Thank you, and please don’t ever stop.  Just knowing there are people out there who think of Jacob every day, who love him so much and who remember to still pray for him after all this time and through this long battle…just knowing this brings me hope, fills me with peace and strengthens my own faith.